Papillon

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Image: Pinterest

"Oh, dear Papillon. Would you mind to stop fluttering for a second? You see, I want my mind to stop worrying. Just a brief moment of ultimate silence and peace.

Oh, dear Papillon. I cherish you! But I am not always sure where to keep you. In the palm of my hand? In an abandoned part of my heart? Oh, dearest, I welcome you so... But all the same,
I have no idea what to do with you.

You see, all my life I thought I was waiting for you. I thought I was waiting for the flutters, the light, the red. I had hope that one day you would enter my life and all would be right in the world.

Dearest, when you set out to fly, do you ever reach the sky above the clouds? Is it always blue above dark, thick rain? Was my happiness always there, even before you landed in my heart?

Dearest, you make me search inside myself for the flutters, the light, the red. I don't need to keep you in the palm of my hand, or in my heart. You were always there, waiting to be discovered.

And I know, that if you ever feel the need to travel to where it is blue
I will simply turn to myself
To find your flickering light."

The Big Two-One

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Image: Tumblr

And then, all of sudden, I find myself at a point in my life where I realize "growing up" is an actual thing.

I did not want to start celebrating my birthday without a little time to reflect on the past year. The year I turned twenty, met a certain special someone, moved to Canada, moved back and found a great place in my beloved city of Utrecht, surrounded myself with the best possible friends a girl can wish for and, last but definitely not least, learned a great deal about myself.

I feel like all the situations I found myself in in the last year, both positive and negative, made me grow as a person. It's been a very special year for me, in which I realized what I want to do with my life. Well... maybe not job-wise, or anything like that, but it did made me realize I will work, and choose, for my happiness.

And that, for me, is part of becoming older. Doing things for me, instead of always thinking about others first. And, more importantly, not thinking that is selfish, but that choosing ME is a healthy consequence of growing up.

"I have decided to be happy, because it is good for my health"

I'm turning twenty-one today and yes, that sounds a little strange to my ears haha. But I know how much being twenty, and growing a little older in the proces, gave me and I certainly cannot wait to see what being twenty-one has to give and teach me. Most of all, I am excited to keep learning about myself and choosing happiness. Choosing myself.  The big Two-One: bring it ! :)

The Light From Within

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My mum once said to me: "You often think in obstacles instead of possibilities". As we all know, mums are always right.

 I don't know why, but many times, often without a clear reason, a darkness creeps in me. A thick cloud of smoke finds its way into my veins, my muscles, my bones, my heart. Sometimes, it grasps my throat and makes sure that all those negative thoughts it brings with it overshadows my attempt for a positive outlook.

 For a long time, I focussed on the possible origin of this feeling. I know now that I am a sensitive individual, and that there is not always a logical explanation for the negativity within me. With that knowledge, it is easier to shift the focus to a possible solution.

 I don't mind being sensitive. I mind not having the control over what negativity I allow, and don't allow, into my mind.

I have been fighting this as long as I am on this planet. I realize that now. It is just that while growing up, and especially this last year, it creeps on more consciously. I also realize now that the reason for this is, is that I don't want to feel this type of negativity anymore. This past year has been the most exciting and valuable experience of my entire life. Of course struggles are part of that process, but they are definitely not the dominator.

So in order to fight this floating darkness within me, I knew I had to DO something. Instead of looking for the light, I decided to become it instead. It's not easy. To stay positive is to battle conflicting emotions... I am insecure. I am sensitive. I am imperfect. I know now that doesn't matter. You don't have to have a perfect life to be able to be positive. Sometimes, trying is enough.

And that's what I do every day. I try. I try to create that light inside of me, a small flame, a flickering. A little rough around the edges, a little difficulty staying on all the time, but a light nonetheless. I have learned it is not enough to grab it from others; in the motion it is often smothered. But to create it from within, it is surrounded by the gates of my own mind. To create it from within, the dark cloud gets lifted piece by piece.

I read a quote once from Goethe, who said: "I have come to the frightening conclusion that [in life], I am the decisive element". And in this moment, I decide to be sensitive, but confident. To be imperfect and embrace it. I decide to let a light grow inside me.