The Light From Within
Tuesday, 7 April 2015
My mum once said to me: "You often think in obstacles instead of possibilities". As we all know, mums are always right.
I don't know why, but many times, often without a clear reason, a darkness creeps in me. A thick cloud of smoke finds its way into my veins, my muscles, my bones, my heart. Sometimes, it grasps my throat and makes sure that all those negative thoughts it brings with it overshadows my attempt for a positive outlook.
For a long time, I focussed on the possible origin of this feeling. I know now that I am a sensitive individual, and that there is not always a logical explanation for the negativity within me. With that knowledge, it is easier to shift the focus to a possible solution.
I don't mind being sensitive. I mind not having the control over what negativity I allow, and don't allow, into my mind.
I have been fighting this as long as I am on this planet. I realize that now. It is just that while growing up, and especially this last year, it creeps on more consciously. I also realize now that the reason for this is, is that I don't want to feel this type of negativity anymore. This past year has been the most exciting and valuable experience of my entire life. Of course struggles are part of that process, but they are definitely not the dominator.
So in order to fight this floating darkness within me, I knew I had to DO something. Instead of looking for the light, I decided to become it instead. It's not easy. To stay positive is to battle conflicting emotions... I am insecure. I am sensitive. I am imperfect. I know now that doesn't matter. You don't have to have a perfect life to be able to be positive. Sometimes, trying is enough.
And that's what I do every day. I try. I try to create that light inside of me, a small flame, a flickering. A little rough around the edges, a little difficulty staying on all the time, but a light nonetheless. I have learned it is not enough to grab it from others; in the motion it is often smothered. But to create it from within, it is surrounded by the gates of my own mind. To create it from within, the dark cloud gets lifted piece by piece.
I read a quote once from Goethe, who said: "I have come to the frightening conclusion that [in life], I am the decisive element". And in this moment, I decide to be sensitive, but confident. To be imperfect and embrace it. I decide to let a light grow inside me.