Sunday, 5 July 2015
The past few months have been difficult for me. I'm not going to lie: it still is. Difficult. I don't really know how to explain it. Sometimes life just grabs you by the throat, I suppose.
A lot has been going on. I guess I didn't quite 'touch down' yet from my Canada adventure. Everything after that happened so fast - I moved to Utrecht, I landed myself a job, uni started again... I didn't really fit in some time there - to reflect, to emotionally 'land', to get in touch with myself again.
I threw myself into the deep darkness of the unknown and it didn't treat me as well as I expected. I think it was a little too much a little too fast. At one point I realized my job and other situations I was in weren't making me happy, and me not being happy turned into me feeling very low, confused and insecure. I realize now I brought this unhappiness into my relationships - with friends, with that S.O., but especially with myself.
It didn't quite come as the epiphany one sometimes has: my tears didn't get lifted off my face by some radiant sun, and my hair didn't blow in a strong wind which sent all the worries away. No. I fell on my face, I fell slowly but hard, and it hurt. But the realization that I wasn't doing well, and that something needed to be done about it, slowly crept up on me as it became clear to me that I couldn't even enjoy the little things in life because I was too caught up with the big things.
Don't get me wrong, I have had some difficult times in my life, and I don't think this is the toughest one yet. But I think this time, I knew I had everything going for me and yet, here I was, still feeling low and unhappy. And I held myself responsible for that.
I try to see it more clearly now. At times, that sun is still blocked by grey clouds. However, I've learned that that's okay, as long as I don't mistake the clouds for a replacement of the sun. Clouds are temporary - you may be annoyed that they're blocking the warmth, but they pass. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but they always go away. Sometimes, the whole sky seems smothered in darkness. But if you've ever been on a plane, you know that above the clouds, it's always serene and blue. The sun is still there. And all you can do is sit there and watch the fog pass by. Acknowledge it, but let it go. There is no possible action that can be taken.
Point of the story: I decided to change my job, to handle certain things differently and to work hard on regaining balance within myself. I read once that life is like a jagged graph, going up and down as time goes by. EHRM, could that be any more applicable to my life? I know now that that's okay though. To have your downs. As long as the graph in general goes up.
I also try and take this emotional journey as a lesson. No matter how many sweet people there are who listen to me and give me advice (and trust me, I am so grateful to have such a great support system) - it's MY path. I need to make the decisions. I need to go left, take a few steps back, or make a run for it straight ahead. No one else can do that for me.
I have decided to choose for myself. More balance, greater happiness, my decision. Mostly because, in the end, I could walk away from anyone but I will still always be on my own path. And I've decided to make it the best walk ever.